Currently Reading Saving Fish from Drowning: A Novel (Ballantine Reader's Circle) By Amy Tan see related

It has taken a deep hold of me. No matter what I do, no matter how I distract myself, I still go back for more. It prods me at all hours. Waking me when I am sound asleep, nudging me when I am filling out my timesheet, upsetting my well-wrought schedule, for a just little bit more. Unreachable, yet tempting. Reachable sometimes but barely. Lingering in thoughts of maybe-vacations, and a definitely-not living arrangements. It twists my rubber arm even if I pose a strict restriction, causing me to cheat. It rolls me over on my back and around again till I aquiesce. Sometimes it teases me with the promise of a breakdown, sometimes it forces me into hysterical submission. Sometimes it gently calls out, and by the time I reach out, it is ready and waiting to maul me. It won't cut me slack, it refuses to budge on its demands. It hurts me, yet I don't protest, in the silent shameful way that sadomasochists revel in that which shows the worst of them.

Desire possesses me, and woe that it won't relent. Woe that it lies and cheats and batters and bruises. Yet I run after it, smiling guiltily as I walk up the stairs. Trembling in my defenceless ardor. In my shameless surrender. I follow it all the way. Again and again. Exquisite in its ruthlessness, it chases me if I run, and leads me astray if I follow.